I'm the Asshole

I'm the asshole, seriously.

I'm the shitty friend, family member, boyfriend.

They've been there, a lot more for me than I was ever for them, and more.

Arrogant, and self righteous, I thought I knew it all.

Now I know better, but it may be to late.

Rat Race

I miss my friends, I miss my family.
I miss talking to some one.
I live in a community of small talk and fanatics.

Going through the rhetoric of life, neither sad nor happy, just here, just surviving.
Getting bored with my music, and my movies.
A steady pace, the long road of loneliness.

Looking forward, keeping strong, trying and hoping for more.

Still Being Me

Inhale, take your time... think, then exhale.

Ask questions, experience, learn.

Dreams, some of them interconnected, and still, dislocated.
Interpretation, could be based on personal bias. Your choice. Your dreams.

Understanding the choices you've made, and understanding your feelings, with no apologies.....

Continuing the journey, curious and content. A series of experiences, still living, and still wanting to be me.

Relax

Intoxicated.... I've been living at work for the past seventeen days, I need to get away, a vacation. Just a bit of time to relax.

Sides

Sides.... why do we always take sides? It's either black or white, right or wrong. What is the purpose of existence, when we're so negatively focused on the petty difference's?

"WANTED: Gnome-napper hits Kennewick home

By Paula Horton, Herald staff writer

Kennewick A garden gnome has gone missing and his owner has called the cops for help.

Binwinkle is described as a “collectible garden gnome,” with green clothing, a red hat, white beard and holding a mushroom, Kennewick police said.

He was lifted from the east side of the property, just off the garage, his owner said in the theft report.

Binwinkle was taken sometime between noon Saturday and 6 p.m. Tuesday in the 3400 block of South Dennis Street.

There’s no word if police have any suspects.

For more crime news, see Friday’s Herald and tricityherald.com."

AAAAAAAAAA!!! Every one lock the doors, and hide under your blankets at night.

Wow, this is news?

Read more: http://www.tri-cityherald.com/2010/06/10/1049180/wanted-gnome-napper-hits-kennewick.html?mi_pluck_action=comment_submitted&qwxq=2201977#Comments_Container#ixzz0qX4bMOeb

Better Than Me?

I watch a Documentary, called "Dig!", I really get into one of the band's.
I look up there first two albums and buy them, they're really good.
I think "My brother, Jim will love this."
I look up the rest of there albums, I see the album cover for there fifth release "Thank God for Mental Illness".
I realize he knows them better then I do.

Think

Love might be a give or take situation, regardless of the promises, but sometimes things just click. Then you realize you're both making you're own rules that work for both of you.... who cares what others think.

Take the time to understand each other.

Don't Stop

Falling down, then standing up, what makes you stronger? What makes you, you?
Twisting, turning, dreaming, yearning, a personal cycle.
The tears of a Saint, the tears of a Clown, a hidden limerick, a truth.... maybe your truth.

Stand with your friends, and hope they stand with you, your time could be near.
Hopefully not, but still, maybe so.... ?

The consequences of fear, possibly irrelevant and unnoticed.
Time can heal impartially. Never give up, don't stop.

Enjoy

I enjoy the awkwardness, I enjoy the challenge, I'm either really intelligent or fucking crazy, you decide. I can't keep spewing words in hopes of understanding, most never listened to begin with...

I'm still walking the same line, and continuing to understand myself. I don't expect you to care, or have pity. I'm happy, I'm still me, and probably will always be...

I hope for friends and no enemies, I'm open minded and open hearted. I'm tired of grudges and drama. Life ticks away to fast for that shit. Give a damn or at least try.

I've always hated labels, but I'm sure I have one, too.

Time to move on, time to keep going. Look for something new, and don't be afraid to explore. Your life is your own and no one else's, your decision, your call, good luck, and enjoy.                              

Moving Forward

I'm feeling pretty good, I'm in a good place.
I just don't know how to accurately translate it.
Sorry.... here I go.

I'm walking to work, listening to some cool tunes, and then I notice.
The air smelled good, the sun was out and it was warm.
Birds where chirping, squirrels where scampering, and for the first time since I was a kid, I noticed.

I couldn't remember the last time, I stopped noticing the colors of life.

Where have I been?

What the hell have I been doing?

Where do I go from here?

I can't stop here, I'm moving forward.

Still Nothing

sitting...... waiting...... hoping...... crying..... pleading..... trying..... still nothing.

Walking

With words instead of actions, with dreams instead of reality, or it would seem so...

Walking my line by choice and with no discretion.

The days, and months blur with no definition, thank God, if one exists. 

A small sample of life, I call it my existence.

The comfort of comfort, most wouldn't, and don't recognize it.
With one foot in front of the other, I'm still walking.
My choice, my road.

An Experiment

What if? 
I said some random shit?
Really random.


Dog shit and applesauce. 
Is there anyone there?
Testing, 1-2-3-4.


Buttercups and butterfly's, a slow slide into insanity.
Sitting on the precipice of an idea, afraid of being shunned.  
Dreaming.... and still waiting.


Dreaming and still wanting to be......

Miserable Bastard

I'm a trapped, miserable bastard. I keep wondering what would happen if I just quit my job, gave all my shit away, and just disappeared for good?

Total Moron

I try to make friends, I try to hard.

I make plans, no one shows.

I make a date, no one calls.

I'm still trying, but it's not working, I don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm lonely, it's been years, I feel stupid.

I don't even remember how to talk to people, I'm an exquisite example of lost hope, a total moron when playing the social game. 

Holiday on the Moon

Maybe

Running away from myself, hating my words, I think better than I talk, or write.
I don't translate well for most, I write in riddles, simple and yet complex.
I feel bad for even trying. I'm a slave to my thoughts, and sometimes I like it.

Keep guessing, I'm going too.
Maybe, I'm a contradiction, it's not my place to say.
Maybe, just maybe....

It's time to walk away, yet with humble hesitation, I disagree.
Words, upon words, upon memories, upon thoughts, upon actions, and still, here I am.

Thinking and writing.

Still Hoping

Turning misery into hope, dreaming of better outcomes.

Twisting and turning on the bed, wishing, still no sleep.
Sabotage of a lonely heart, stepping on toes, just to talk.

Words unheard, forever more, and counting.

Flogging memories to keep alive, and in touch with others.
But still, and still overly continuous...

Burning a candle for the return of acceptance.

Dreaming, cheap and underestimated.
Left behind to grow old, and to be responsible.

...... Still hoping.

No Regrets

Posted laziness, no regrets, and I can't give a fuck any more.
These are my words, take them or leave them. In time it won't matter anyways.
I hate what I write more than you do, trust me.

All I know is I've got to write, I can't stop.
Is this my Pandora's Box?

I Wish

I wish I could see who I used to be, I wish I could remember my heart.
I wish I could take it all back, but what would be the point?

Asshole

I'm a headache, a pain in the ass.
A painful memory from years, past.

An obligation, a burden on my family and friends.
An embarrassment at best, and still, that depends.

I can't make up or apologize, but with desperate pain, I've realized.
I'm an asshole, and so,
I'm gone.

Vivid

For me a song is like marking a favorite page of a book, but I mark my favorite memories with songs. I hear the song and it's like seeing the memory again, total recall, everything becomes so vivid.

Mr. Magoo

I'm probably, always going to be remembered, just as "Terry",..... I'm happy with that, but Mr. Magoo or Chore-boy, it hurts as well as it's humiliating. Please stop, I know you're doing better than me, and I'm very proud, but I'm not interested in having my face smothered in my own mistakes.

Silhouette

I'm a needless example of a man, just a shadow, a broken silhouette.

blind

Today I killed myself, I never even saw it coming.
I didn't care anymore, I just didn't fit in anymore.
I became an annoyance, so I gave up.

I tried to hard, I became desperate, I just wanted to make friends.
Yet, I just succeeded in pushing people away.

Save Time

Save time, save your time, maybe laugh or cry.
Personal time is short, and missed, if not appreciated.
You say you don't care, then why are you writing this?

Minutes fly by, when was the last time you didn't noticed the hours... when you're alone?
Dreams come and go, mine stick around.
I don't want to be alone, I'm just tired of being misunderstood.

Around the Corner

I'm on vacation and the night is quiet, I was never ready for quiet.
I learned to adapt, I had too. I'm getting older, no choice.
My friends all have families, I have two cats and a lot of time.
So I burn my time by thinking, and music.

I don't really care what others think about me, I just don't want to be alone, there's times I try to fit in.

I like to hear people laugh, I sometimes try to hard.

I don't take to much seriously, I don't even take myself seriously.

Today might be my last day, I don't want it to be, I'm not done yet.
I'll live my life peeking around the corner.
I'll always want to know what's next.

No Hurry

I write to drink, I drink to write.
It's a vicious cycle.
I haven't felt like drinking for the past four days, and I haven't felt like writing either.
I came home today not wanting to do anything, no TV, no music, no talking, or walking.
I get home from work and lay down on my bed for a couple of hours and just stare at my ceiling.
I don't feel depressed, I just don't feel anything.

I'm casually writing this as the thoughts slowly drip into my mind, I'm in no hurry, I'm the only one that reads my shit. I think I'm done with this, time to post.

An Ode to H. Charles B.

I want to drink, I want to drink til I can't feel my self.
I don't give a shit, do you?
Who knows, I don't think you do.
I'm not caring or knowing what road I'm on anymore.
Do you?
It's as if I'm racing towards my own demise.
Misunderstanding with hope or tears, moving forward.
What can I say?

How I Define Art (Pt. II)

Art is the personal interpretation of a thought, fantasy, or emotion. We create in hopes of understanding, and the possibility of acceptance. We know as we create it's intimate, and therefore, hopefully understood.

Judgement

Most people are so quick to judge, how the hell do we get to know anyone?

Confession

I haven't written much, if anything for the past fourteen years, I haven't felt much for maybe longer.
It wasn't until after my brother and his wife split, and he kept urging me to write again, that I did start writing again.

For me, writing is the expression of my emotions and thoughts, and I realized, I've been holding everything in, and writing again was like smashing a dam.
Everything came rushing out at once.
I became a mess.
I kept writing.

It's only been a month and a half and I'm sitting here with four notebooks and a bunch of random scraps of paper, and a black balled point pen.
I write a little here and there in each notebook, and still can't keep up, I've been holding everything in for fourteen plus years, and I missed writing.

Dad

It started out as a quiet day. I walked to the store, it was cold as usual.
I started to think about my Dad. I learned on Christmas day that he has Emphysema, it could get worse.
I haven't told the rest of my family yet, I don't want to tell them, I don't want it to be true. I've been told I'm the man of the family since I was nine (that's when my parents split).

I moved up here to get to know my Dad, we don't have much to anything in common, he loves sports, I love the fine arts, he loves cars, I'm just happy to have anything that gets me from point A to point B safely. My brother Jim says that I should just move back down to California, I want too, but I need to be here right now. He doesn't know, and is understandably getting impatient with me.

My Dad fell off the face of the planet for almost 20 years, I honestly thought he was dead. He didn't make contact with my sister or I for that period of time, but still he's my Dad and I gotta to be here for him.
His Dad wasn't there for him and my granfather's Dad wasn't there for him either, it's my responsibility to break the cycle.

I love my Dad, I just wish, I could understand him better.

How I Define Art (Pt. I)

Art is the free expression of ideas, thoughts, and dreams. You don't know where it's going to lead you til you're done.

Decades, Drifting (4/13/94)

I don't want to be a liar, I don't want to be silently dismal.
I don't want to trust someone.
I don't want you to know this.

I can't stay away from turmoil and it's fascinating ways, just ever taunting me to show my chaotic self.
I can't, and won't let it be, left twisted.
I wake in the morning, I'm breathing, so I guess I'm still alive.

Answers in front of me, questions behind me, decades drifting, lingering.

Why can't we sleep forever.
Why can't we drink forever.
I want, I can't.
I went for it, to give my heart.
I can do this.
I will do this.

Happy Poem

Puppy dogs, and kitty cats. Bubblegum, and pigtales. I'm trying.

Grace

i can't stand myself, i can't stand you... where do we stand? you hate me, and yourself more. i get blamed, and you walk away. I'm the basterd, you're the victim. i'm alone, and you've got family, i'm the liar, you're the saint. i should just my shut mouth or you'll call the cops and make up a story. i get depressed, i get fat. I loose my friends and family, i want to die. you brake up with me cause i loose my job, i supported you for two years. i'm heartbroken, i go away. three months later i get a call from your mom and she blames me for everything. i'm crushed... so, fuck you.

Broken

I'm broken, I give up.
I'll keep to myself, and leave everyone alone.
I'm not intrested in being the pathetic guy.
Don't feel sorry for me, I'm walking away.

Thank you

The Oceans of Time (4/18/94)

Flowing oceans of time, blending into reality's mind.
Secrets forever, stories untold, language's unknown.
Mystic feelings, all around and intense.

Somber and rested, stealing in rhythm.
Quick reactions, immortal, but still new.
Decades alone, in the oceans of time.
Aging friends, forever with hope.

Forever, and on, and on, and on.
Suppressing fun, and paying with your fears.
It can't be changed, it can't be forgotten.
It can be tricked, and can be told.

It wasn't a beginning, it wasn't an end.
It can be yours, for a time.